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Our Kids’ Caring Feelings Need Our Protection

In my parenting teens support group yesterday we had an important discussion about the difference between taking something away from your child or teen as a punishment and setting a limit for your child’s or teen’s safety. This is such an important distinction to understand and I didn’t realize that when I talk about the…

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Infographic: Attachment Roots

Dr. Gordon Neufeld created a model of attachment that provides us with so much more insight and direction than Bowlby’s secure/insecure/avoidant attachment model. In the Neufeld model, we see how attachment can unfold in the first six years of life, with each root deepening the connection and allowing for more spacious connection–if attachment goes down…

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Self-regulation is Adult Business

Parents often ask me for help in getting their kids to “self regulate.” These parents report that their eight year-old tells them he hates them, that their eleven year-old slammed the door after a rough day at school or that their five year-old has tantrums that last an hour. Firstly, I need to make this…

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Looking for More Nuance than Secure/Insecure/Avoidant?

Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s model of the six attachment roots provides us with a rich understanding of how attachment is meant to unfold. If all is going well, this can unfold in the first six years of life with each year opening up the capacity to attach at a deeper level, but for many children (and…

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Is Your Child Armored?

Thank goodness for defenses. While we sometimes view defenses in an adversarial way (“We’ve got to tear down those defenses!”), they actually exist for very good reasons. Their job is to protect us from vulnerability that would be too much for us to bear (in general, or in that moment). And, also, there is a…

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